'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
