Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
