I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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