so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
