Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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