you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
