Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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