I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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