Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I am one with the molecules
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
