What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
