a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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