You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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