Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
They are going to name an STD after you.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
