I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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