I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
