I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
