just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
