i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
