I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
