Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Are we still banned from the library?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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