Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
