My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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