Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
