What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
