i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
