the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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