I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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