i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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