he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
