break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
