I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
