I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
