he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
