I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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