Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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