When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
