Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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