Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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