Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
