I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
