morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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