He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
