Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
