I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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