i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
