i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
