Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
