She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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