Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
