I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
