no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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