There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
