Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This house was built for laser tag.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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