she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
